So, I understand fully both sides of this argument. But what is the argument?
Is Being approached harassment? Is it Harassment Depending on Who it Comes From?
When I was younger, inexperienced, and noticing the opposite sex, I had no idea how to communicate other than what was on TV and in films. Looking to other males I THOUGHT knew more than me about the opposite sex, the preferred technique was the cold approach in public. We’d speak to a girl on the street passing by, making a ridiculous kissing sound or ‘psst’ from a reasonable distance, offering some silly compliment or even boasting about ourselves. 
There was the simple “Yo baby, you fine—My name is ______what’s yours?” If the response was positive, you might offer some sort of polite meet-up: “Where you live…where you hang out at? Well I’m into [insert concert, movie, event], give me your number, we can set that up”.
While this is happening, the target girl was sizing the male up. We thought what was getting us through was game—no, they were analyzing US. If her evaluation of you was satisfactory, you got the infamous ‘digits’, if it was neutral, her response would be, “give me yours”. A flat ‘no’ was especially insulting because most girls who weren’t interested would either give you a wrong number or the “give me yours” tactic because some guys were volatile upon rejection. So, if she said ‘no’ or ignored you, it was interpreted that you were so revolting that you weren’t worth an easy letdown, and that you weren’t even considered dangerous enough to be placated with a neutral response.
Yeah, those days were sick.
Fast forward to today, and in the digital community called the ‘Manosphere’, young men have decided not to cold approach women anymore. This was brought about by several different factors. Men tend to respond to women’s wants and needs, and unbeknownst to us older married folk, young men have been browbeaten to not catcall or approach women in public. There were two reasons for this, the first being the rudeness of some idiots. Though most of us were polite, even after rejection, some guys would respond to a failed approach with nasty insults, occasionally even being intimidating. Second was this resurgent feminist campaign to neuter men, accusing ALL cold approaches of being harassment and objectification. So, as stated above, men have responded to what they were told and no longer ‘cold approach’.
Next factor: the rejection. For us as young men, it took courage to cold approach, courage that many of us did not have. Approaching a girl was like challenging a bully. Girls held in their power the rejection of you as a statement to the world that as a male you were not adequate. In a certain way, this became their weapon against young men, withholding their cooperation to the cold approach just outside of our reach until the male had sufficiently satisfied their quiet demands. As we got older it went from small talk with the possibility of further conversation in the future to the feel of a job interview. 
Getting even older, this evolved to the ‘buy her a drink’ practice at the bar or nightclub, which evolved to not just a drink, it had to be an expensive drink, then evolved to a bottle or drinks for all her friends. All this just for the privilege of a conversation.
Sometimes, before the workplace harassment industry exploded, men would politely proposition ladies at work. I met Mrs Queen at work and invited her to lunch (she still laughs at me for saying, “let’s do lunch”). But it was still tricky, the same rules applied, but with the caveat of position—rejecting a superior may have consequences for the lady, while acceptance would carry privileges. But average men were not average, they, or we, were ‘nothing’. We noticed that female co-workers at our level had little respect for their peers, any approach was seen as an annoyance. But the next day she’d be giggling at lunch with the big shot who was working his way through the typing pool. We didn’t like it, but, he’s the shark, he gets the fish, that’s how the game works.
Women have always despised lesser men. So, when they are approached by a man deemed to be ‘lesser’ they are insulted. “How could you think you are good enough for ME, I deserve better.” And that is the tone that he is rejected with, it’s too much effort to be polite. Should a woman accept an approach she doesn’t want? Absolutely not. The problem is, woman believe that the majority of men are lesser than them, and reject even average men. And here we are today, women complaining that men aren’t making moves.
The average man sees the futility of this, he’s not good enough for her, or any of them, and he retreats. Why be accused of sexual objectivication, inadequacy, and harassment? For the woman, she is now competing for a shrinking pool of men who pass her evaluation.
The other side.
Back in the eighties, in my heyday, when New York was the place to be, nightclubs everywhere, men were gentlemen and women were classy ladies, the troops and I were in lower Manhattan, ‘The Village’ to be exact. Even back then it was a gay neighborhood, but straight folks sometimes hung out there also. That night I was carrying a brand-new Sony ‘Discman’, and at some point we stopped to look at suits in a store window.
A couple of guys sauntered by, and one mentioned, “Hey, I have a discman too…do you like it?”
Turning and not being phobic, I answered: “Yeah, and it doesn’t skip too much.”
He holds his up, looks at mine, and says, “Oh, yours is bigger than mine.” And then he smiles wide, looking me in the eye. Then they snicker and walk off.
The fellas looked at me, I put that damn cd player in my coat pocket and started walking toward the train station. My visits to ‘the Village’ lessened after that.
It was a flirtation, equivalent of an approach, however snarky and suggestive. It was unwanted, and I was embarrassed. But we were in the ‘Village’, their turf, and could be expected. In ‘Blsck’ circles, the problem for me and many light complexioned black men is that when we dress well, we tend to receive particular attention from homosexual males. I can always detect who the secret gays are in any room because they make sure to make eye contact with me. Not hard animal-like staring like males challenging one another, but soft eye contact like they’re looking for something. 
They might go further and ‘float’ by or into my vicinity, and if possible, make small talk that I then have to deflect by overcompensating my masculinity to repel them away.
So, in some ways I empathize with female complaints of unwanted attention. For the sake of brevity, I can share more stories like that one, even more pronounced, but this is getting long.
There is a certain arrogance in being offended. If those had been two young ladies, maybe a Karyn White look-a-like (my crush during that time), I would have gone right along with the flirting. But I was insulted that the gay guys singled me out; in male culture a homosexual flirtation is an insult because it suggests they see you as one of them, and that one is approachable. But I limited my reaction to the unwanted flirtation and didn’t overreact because a gay guy hit on me. But inside, I wanted to slug him. But that is arrogance.
Therefore, I understand the female reaction to what she sees as a substandard man flirting, it suggests that is her level. She finds that insulting. Or maybe she really doesn’t want to be bothered. 
The former is arrogant, the latter is genuine seeking privacy. She doesn’t owe you anything either way, leave her alone. But now the ladies are complaining that you men aren’t approaching. Anywhere.
A gay man flirting with me suggests that in his estimation, we are possible kinship. For instance, would he flirt with gang members? No, not his level, not in kinship, and risking violence. Maybe he didn’t account for his own obtuse lifestyle and just saw me as a handsome man he would enjoy to be in company with, not noticing my sexuality was NOT in line with his, negligently not considering what I want, which would be a full blooded woman.
I’ve received female flirtation that I deftly rebuffed, because I was insulted that the woman thought she even had a chance with me. My wife said the same things when we dated, that even bums with half their teeth missing will catcall women. It didn’t seem that the approach was offensive, it was the man it was coming from that they complained of. A comedian we saw once said, “Fifty Shades of Gray only works with a billionaire; tell that story with Christian Grey as a plumber and it’s not lust, you’ll call him a sexual abuser.”
Which brings us to the logical solution:
When you look at someone you would like to be a romantic partner, or even a friend for that matter, should you examine yourself? Will that female attorney be receptive to my approach, if I’m a plumber, electrician, etc.? Will the absolutely ripped guy at the gym be flattered by your flirtation if you’re not in good physical condition yourself?
Some may say only approach on your level; if that were the case Mrs Queen and I would not be together. When we met, she was in higher status than me (I stepped my game up). Many attractive women claim to be lonely or dateless because men assume she’s out of their league and don’t approach. But don’t be fooled–that attractive woman wants the top shelf man to catcall and approach, not you in your sensible American car. Remember, Shrek is a movie. In real life, the ogre has no business with Princess Fiona. Once her girlfriends see his ugly ass and that poor shack he lives in, they will ridicule him, then ridicule her for being with him.
And today’s men have figured this out. Women get with men out of their league, get savaged and thrown away, and then blame average men who had nothing to do with their failure. Then, they ‘settle’ for average man, and try to get him to be that top shelf man, and when he can’t keep that up, blame him for being inadequate or ‘not ambitious enough’. A few men I know have, or are planning, to take their sons overseas to find future partners, to escape what is happening here at home. But for the men for whom that is not an option, and a relationship is all about what she gets, and men are just drones in a colony to support some sort of Queen on a throne, they’re opting out.
So, I understand fully both sides of this argument. But what is the argument?
Is Being approached harassment?
When I was younger, inexperienced, and noticing the opposite sex, I had no idea how to communicate other than what was on TV and in films. Looking to other males I THOUGHT knew more than me about the opposite sex, the preferred technique was the cold approach in public. We’d speak to a girl on the street passing by, making a ridiculous kissing sound or ‘psst’ from a reasonable distance, offering some silly compliment or even boasting about ourselves. There was the simple “Yo baby, you fine—My name is ______what’s yours?” If the response was positive, you might offer some sort of polite meet-up: “Well I’m into [insert concert, movie, event], give me your number, we can set that up”.
While this is happening, the target girl was sizing the male up. We thought what was getting us through was game—no, they were analyzing US. If her evaluation of you was satisfactory, you got the infamous ‘digits’, if it was neutral, her response would be, “give me yours”. A flat ‘no’ was especially insulting because most girls who weren’t interested would either give you a wrong number or the “give me yours” tactic because some guys were volatile upon rejection. So, if she said ‘no’ or ignored you, it was interpreted that you were so revolting that you weren’t worth an easy letdown, and that you weren’t even considered dangerous enough to be placated with a neutral response.
Yeah, those days were sick.
Fast forward to today, and in the digital community called the ‘Manosphere’, young men have decided not to cold approach women anymore. This was brought about by several different factors. Men tend to respond to women’s wants and needs, and unbeknownst to us older married folk, young men have been browbeaten to not catcall or approach women in public. There were two reasons for this, the first being the rudeness of some idiots. Though most of us were polite, even after rejection, some guys would respond to a failed approach with nasty insults, occasionally even being intimidating. Second was this resurgent feminist campaign to neuter men, accusing ALL cold approaches of being harassment and objectification. So, as stated above, men have responded to what they were told and no longer ‘cold approach’.
Next factor: the rejection. For us as young men, it took courage to cold approach, courage that many of us did not have. Approaching a girl was like challenging a bully. Girls held in their power the rejection of you a statement to the world that as a male you were not adequate. In a certain way, this became their weapon against young men, withholding their cooperation to the cold approach just outside of our reach until the male had sufficiently satisfied their quiet demands. As we got older it went from small talk with the possibility of further conversation in the future to the feel of a job interview. Getting even older, this evolved to the ‘buy her a drink’ practice at the bar or nightclub, which evolved to not just a drink, it had to be an expensive drink, then evolved to a bottle or drinks for all her friends. All this just for the privilege of a conversation.
Sometimes, before the workplace harassment industry exploded, men would politely proposition ladies at work. I met Mrs Queen at work and invited her to lunch (she still laughs at me for saying, “let’s do lunch”). But it was still tricky, the same rules applied, but with the caveat of position—rejecting a superior may have consequences for the lady, while acceptance would carry privileges. But average men were not average, they, or we, were ‘nothing’. We noticed that female co-workers at our level had little respect for their peers, any approach was seen as an annoyance. But the next day she’d be giggling at lunch with the big shot who was working his way through the typing pool. We didn’t like it, but, he’s the shark, he gets the fish, that’s how the game works.
Women have always despised what they perceive as lesser men. So, when they are approached by a man deemed to be ‘lesser’ they are insulted. “How could you think you are good enough for ME, I deserve better.” And that is the tone that the supposed lesser man is rejected with, it’s too much effort to be polite. Should a woman accept an approach she doesn’t want? Absolutely not. The problem is, woman believe that the majority of men are lesser than them, and reject even average men. And here we are today, women complaining that men aren’t making moves.
The average man sees the futility of this, he’s not good enough for her, or any of them, and he retreats. Why be accused of sexual objectivication, inadequacy, and harassment? For the woman, she is now competing for a shrinking pool of men who pass her evaluation.
The other side.
Back in the eighties, in my heyday, when New York was the place to be, nightclubs everywhere, men were gentlemen and women were classy ladies, the troops and I were in lower Manhattan, ‘The Village’ to be exact. Even back then it was a gay neighborhood, but straight folks sometimes hung out there also. That night I was carrying a brand-new Sony ‘Discman’, and at some point we stopped to look at suits in a store window.
A couple of guys sauntered by, and one mentioned, “Hey, I have a discman too…do you like it?”
Turning and not being phobic, I answered: “Yeah, and it doesn’t skip too much.”
He holds his up, looks at mine, and says, “Oh, yours is bigger than mine.” And then he smiles wide, looking me in the eye. Then they snicker and walk off.
The fellas looked at me, I put that damn cd player in my coat pocket and started walking toward the train station. My visits to ‘the Village’ lessened after that.
It was a flirtation, equivalent of an approach, however snarky and suggestive. It was unwanted, and I was embarrassed. But we were in the ‘Village’, their turf, and could be expected. In ‘Blsck’ circles, the problem for me and many light complexioned black men is that when we dress well, we tend to receive particular attention from homosexual males. I can always detect who the secret gays are in any room because they make sure to make eye contact with me. Not hard animal-like staring like males challenging one another, but soft eye contact like they’re looking for something. They might go further and ‘float’ by or into my vicinity, and if possible, make small talk that I then have to deflect by overcompensating my masculinity to repel them away.
So, in some ways I empathize with female complaints of unwanted attention. For the sake of brevity, I can share more stories like that one, even more pronounced, but this is getting long.
There is a certain arrogance in being offended. If those had been two young ladies, maybe a Karyn White look-a-like (my crush during that time), I would have gone right along with the flirting. But I was insulted that the gay guys singled me out; in male culture a homosexual flirtation is an insult because it suggests they see you as one of them, and that one is approachable. But I limited my reaction to the unwanted flirtation and didn’t overreact because a gay guy hit on me. But inside, I wanted to slug him. But that is arrogance.
Therefore, I understand the female reaction to what she sees as a substandard man flirting, it suggests that is her level. She finds that insulting. Or maybe she really doesn’t want to be bothered. The former is arrogant, the latter is genuine seeking privacy. She doesn’t owe you anything either way, leave her alone. But now the ladies are complaining that you men aren’t approaching. Anywhere.
A gay man flirting with me suggests that in his estimation, we are possible kinship. For instance, would he flirt with gang members? No, not his level, not in kinship, and risking violence. Maybe he didn’t account for his own obtuse lifestyle and just saw me as a handsome man he would enjoy to in company with, not noticing my sexuality was NOT in line with his, erroneously not considering what I want, which would be a full blooded woman.
I’ve received female flirtation that I deftly rebuffed, because I was insulted that the woman thought she even had a chance with me. My wife said the same things when we dated, that even bums with half their teeth missing will catcall women. It didn’t seem that the approach was offensive, it was the man it was coming from they complained of. A comedian we saw once said, “Fifty Shades of Gray only works with a billionaire; tell that story with Christian Grey as a plumber and it’s not lust, you’ll call him a sexual abuser.”
Which brings us to the logical solution:
When you look at someone you would like to be a romantic partner, or even a friend for that matter, should you examine yourself? Will that female attorney be receptive to my approach, if I’m a plumber, electrician, etc.? Will the absolutely ripped guy at the gym be flattered by your flirtation if you’re not in good physical condition yourself?
Some may say only approach on your level; if that were the case Mrs Queen and I would not be together. When we met, she was in higher status than me (I stepped my game up). Many attractive women claim to be lonely or dateless because men assume she’s out of their league and don’t approach. But don’t be fooled–that attractive woman wants the top shelf man to catcall and approach, not you in your sensible American car. Remember, Shrek is a movie. In real life, the ogre has no business with Princess Fiona. Once her girlfriends see his ugly ass and that poor shack he lives in, they will ridicule him, then ridicule her for being with him.
And today’s men have figured this out. Women get with men out of their league, get savaged and thrown away, and then blame average men who had nothing to do with their failure. Then, they ‘settle’ for average man, and try to get him to be that top shelf man, and when he can’t keep that up, blame him for being inadequate or ‘not ambitious enough’. A few men I know have, or are planning, to take their sons overseas to find future partners, to escape what is happening here at home. But for the men for whom that is not an option, and a relationship is all about what she gets, and men are just drones in a colony to support some sort of Queen on a throne, they’re opting out.
